Some combination of things has made me hit my limit tonight. I am fed up with being president of an NPO that does not have enough people and/or $$ to get anything done. I am tired of doing more than a president is supposed to do and it's all strictly volunteer work. It's not that I mind volunteering, but I hate being held to such a high standard for something that I am doing purely out of love. I am seriously considering resigning. Even more, I am wondering if I should be part of the co-op gallery anymore.
I no longer feel like an artist and I no longer make art. I feel pretty mediocre to boot. Even if I am not mediocre, if I truly am good, what is the point? My art is not marketable and in the meantime there is plenty of mediocre art that is doing fabulously. Why bother competing with that?
The only making I have done for a good long time (with perhaps an exception or two) is a lot of crafting. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with crafting and am in awe of many brilliant crafters out there. The problem is that, once again, I am only mediocre. My technical skills are quite good, but I do not have the innovation and aesthetic to be more than average in the crafting world. Or maybe I just don't have the marketing, but I'm not interested in playing that game and I can't afford to pay someone else to do it for me.
So here I sit and ponder simply walking away from all of it. I am not interested in holding onto art and/or craft (for the most part...can't give up knitting) as some sort of hobby. I do not need any more hobbies in my life. I want to make a living from making or I want to be done with it and go do something that I actually can make a living at. I know from experience that, thanks to chronic illness, I do not have the energy to do much of anything else if and when I am working full time. If I go get a "real job", that will be it for me and my artistic career. I am so full of self-pity and misery tonight that I am ready to make that decision. How will I feel in the morning? Will I wuss out?
The most usefull I seem to be in the world is as a teacher. I could go get a teaching degree and join the unappreciated world of education. I love teaching, though i love it most when I'm teaching photography. I doubt I'd get a proper art teacher job at school. Those jobs are few and far between. Once again, I feel mediocre and useless.
So we'll see if I feel the same in the morning (if I can ever get to sleep tonight...) and we'll see if I can pull my life together enough to feel like an artist again.
Seriously.
I panic whenever I forget where I last left my sweet, sweet scale because it is so very useful. (Yes, it's true, it is a rare item in my house that has a proper home and has been properly put into that home.)
Need to figure out postage for that crazy mail art you just made? Done. Need to weigh wool roving for some crazy Kool-Aid dyeing? Done. (But not anymore...that whole 1 oz wool to 1 packet of Kool-Aid is a load of crap. But, y'know, it's comforting to know I could do it if I wanted.) Need to measure dangerous chemicals for antiquated photographic processes? Oh yes, you know you can. My good little scale even did a brief stint in the pottery studio.
Okay, here's the thing. This is how I know my true love of the gram scale. A couple of years ago, I got to be on a jury and it was great. Seriously. And the trial was about this guy manufacturing and selling hash. One of the main pieces of evidence against him (y'know, besides the oodles of drugs in his house) was a little pocket-sized gram scale. As I sat there in the jury box, all I could think of was what a sweet scale it was and where I could get one for myself. Really, it's one of my main memories of the whole trial.
In conclusion: gram scale = faithful art'n'craft companion.
Okay, in an effort to be fair, I will try to give a bit of the positive as well tonight. Some random thoughts/highlights from the past few months:
*My BFF and I bought a letterpress and, with luck, will have it all set up in the next few months. Its home is in the basement of her new gallery/studio space which is pretty exciting. There is also a tiki museum down there which should make things interesting.
*Another good friend, g-jet, hosts weekly craft nights which have been good for my soul (and hopefully all the other fabulously queer souls who attend). I have pretty much stuck to needle felting and knitting, nothing too creative, but it's a good social time for me as well as a making time.
*I sent off a submission for a juried art show in October, so I feel vaguely like I've done something for my artistic career. Who knows if I'll get in (should I have heard somethign by now? I've lost track of the deadlines...) but it's good to be able to say I actually did something. As guess what? It's a fibers (specifcially stitching) show, not photography!
*I'm addicted to buying very small canvases and panels at ArtMedia even though I have no use for them. Small square ones. I fantasize that I will use them for collage pieces. We'll see what happens.
*I just bought a toy camera at a rummage sale that is a "spy camera" and takes little half frame shots on 35mm film. It is ridiculous and I love it. As a bonus, it had a used roll of film in it which I had developed. Unfortunately, I can't say there was anything too exciting on it. The vast majority of the photos were underexposed shots of a cat in a hallway. Oh well.
*I got to attend the Maker Faire once again last month. I hardly took any photos, but it was a delightful time nonetheless. I now am trying to justify wanting a laser cutter.
*Half of my gallery is full of art that is all manner of nekkid people. How can one be sad when surrounded by so many breasts? If only I had the $$ to buy some of the beautiful art.
Okay, that's enough with the positive thinking. It's making me queasy.
So did I mention that sometime last spring/early summer I became president of a non-profit? A non-profit dedicated to the arts and community. What the hell was I thinking?
First off, I have been affiliated with this groups for 5 years, since before it was an NPO. I have grown immensely as a result of being part of this group and have always been quite devoted to it. I do not take my leadership position in the group lightly. That being said, I am ready to throw in the towel and call it quits.
The financial problems (read: we can't pay our bills) weigh heavily on my mind, especially for the last couple of months. We have never really had any money, but it seems to be dwindling more and more. We operate a retail art gallery and sales are just not happening. Yeah, I know, everyone is in the same boat, but I am just so frustrated because I believe in our organization so much.
But I think even more frustrating than the money problem is the feeling that I have minimal support from the community and even from a lot of the members. I put in a ridiculous amount of (volunteer) hours (let's talk about how I never make art any more...) and have a handful of core members who do that same, but I get minimal participation from others. We have events and no one shows up. We ask for donations and get nothing. I would prefer a $1 donation from everyone who comes in our doors rather than a $1000 donation from some sugar daddy - the thing that is important to me is community support.
Sorry to bitch and moan, but I just feel so defeated lately. I don't know when it's the right time to say publically that we need to ask ourselves if we should be wasting money on gallery rent every month. True, the parent NPO can still exist without the gallery, but it would be a lot harder and a lot less desirable for people to be members. I am basically assuming that if we close the gallery, we end the NPO as well, and I would hate to see that happen.
And yes, there is much to catch up on from the past few months. I've been teaching full time and now I have my life back to myself again.
Yesterday I organized a booth at Sunday Parkways where we invited the public to make bookmarks and artist trading cards. The turn out was fantastic (once the drizzle cleared) and lots of people wanted to stop and make art! A few photographical highlights:
A plethora of supplies (you can kind of see two of my cards in the foreground, they feature chickens of course).
People gettin' their art on. We were consistently busy from around 11:00am to closing time at 2:00pm.
A couple of cards made by a talented young lady.
Check out this funny bike graffiti. Guess I'd better start watching out for gators.
http://bikeportland.org/2008/05/15/caution-man-eating-streetcar-tracks-ahead/
Dear Smitty and Jack,
I know I've taken a damn long time getting around to doing this, but today it was just what I needed. Thanks!
